Get Out of My House
by Eclar1916
Summary: First Hey Arnold fanfic. An attempted burglary of Sunset Arms is thwarted by an unlikely hero. Action and mild satire ensured.


**Hello readers. While I don't normally write or read fanfiction for Hey Arnold, I just love that show. This was an idea that just came to mind. One of my favorite characters in Hey Arnold is Phil Shortman. He is one of the funniest characters in this show. This was a nice little idea that came to mind. What if someone tried to burglarize the boarding house. This is how I think it would go down. Enjoy and comment.**

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Midnight. Around this time, many people are asleep in bed. Dreaming about their most secret desires. Unfortunately, not everyone is asleep. As the saying goes: Under the cover of darkness is where evil comes to play. The only people who are up and active at night are night owls, people working graveyard, drunks, runaways, drug dealers, criminals, career criminals, or future criminals. For example, the figure in all black running toward the boarding house.

"Maybe somebody in here got something valuable." the burglar said ominously. He walks up to the door. The burglar reaches into his duffel bag and pulls out a couple of lock picking tools. After fiddling withthe lock, a click is heard and the door flies open. Quickly, he steps inside and closes the door behind him. "Let's see. Which room should I go to first." he asks himself. While deciding, the burglar empties out his duffel bag. In the bag, he was carrying a flashlight, spare batteries for the aforementioned flashlight, duct tape, rope, black gloves, and lastly, a bag of orange slices. When you're going around sneaking into houses, you gotta eat something.

"Alright, I'll start here." he says, walking into a room. The room belonged to Ernie, the demolitionist. He walks through the living room, however, all he sees is bricks. "What kind of a bum collects bricks?" the burglar states in an annoyed mood. "Huh. Who's there?" Ernie mutters, half asleep. Shit, the burglar thought. He grabs a cheap vase and runs out. "That was close. Next room." The burglar walks into another room, this time, it's Oscar and Suzie's room. He doesn't see anything of value in sight. "Oh my God, this place is full of bums. What was I thinking coming here?" he tells himself. His stomach begins to growl. "Man I'm hungry. Time for some orange slices."

The burglar pulls out his bag of orange slices. He pulls one out and plops it into his mouth. He greedily chews it down. The burglar reaches for another slice. The bag is empty though. "Damn." the burglar mutters under his breath. He looks through the cabinets for something. All there is is baby food, formula, and bottles. He then turns his attention to the refrigerator. There are plates of some mysterious dishes. The burglar removes his right glove and swipes his fingers through the dish before tasting it. He spits it out in disgust. "Damn. That was nasty. Must be foreign. Probably illegal. Damn those immigrants. Jumping over our border. Living off our taxes." he rants angrily.

He places his glove back on, picks up his bag and walks out of the room. "I'll try one more house. If I don't find anything, I'm outta here." the burglar announced. He creeps down the hallway and walks into a random room. He flips on the light. This time, he enters the house of the Shortmans. The first thing he sees is a framed photo of Arnold, Phil, and Gertrude. "Ha ha. Two old goats and a kid with a big head. If this place has anything valuable, it'll be my easiest hiest yet." he declared smugly. He starts off by walking into the kitchen. The burglar quietly places his bag on the table and starts to look through the refrigerator. "Jackpot." He hungrily stares at the fridge packed with food.

He reaches into the cabinet and pulls out a plate. He opens the drawers and pulls out a butter knife. Next, he digs through the fridge and pulls out a loaf of bread, cheese, turkey, and mustard. He takes the time to make a fat sandwich. The burglar greedily begins to eat his sandwich. He is smacking so loud, that he didn't hear Phil enter the kitchen to see what the commotion was. "What the heck?" Phil asks sleepily. He is fully awaken when he noticed a strange man in all black clothing. "What are ya doing in my house? And why are you eating my turkey." Phil asks, now suspicious of the guy. The burglar was getting a little nervous, but responded anyways. "Mind your own damn business old man." he replied.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Phil yells to the top of his lungs before charging at the masked assailant. Phil tackled him to the ground and begins to throw some punches. "I served in World War 2 young man. I killed an entire army of Nazis alone." Phil tells him while still pounding the burglar. The ruckus of the fight awakens Gertrude, who reaches into her closet for something, and Arnold, who runs into the kitchen to investigate the noise. "Grandpa, what's going on?" Arnold mutters sleepily. He is startled awake by the sounds of the fight going on in the kitchen. "Go get help Shortman." Phil instructed. Arnold runs out into the hallway of the boarding house for help.

While instructing Arnold, the burglar managed to turn the tables on Phil. He uses his legs to shove the vet into the counter. He pulls himself back to his feet and begins to kick Phil in the ribs. "Should have just went to bed old man. I'm afraid you'll have to die now." he says while reaching for a kitchen knife. "Any last words?" he says smugly. The burglar's moment of triumph is halted when he is whacked over the head with a hard object. He looks behind him to see Gertrude in a karate GI, holding a pair of nunchucks. "Get away from my husband you lowlife hooligan." she yells boldly. He charges at her, only to receive a second whack. Gertrude begins to wail on the burglar with the nunchucks while a bruised Phil cheers her on. "You get him pookie." Phil says, cheering on his wife.

Arnold runs back into the house with Ernie, who is holding a mallet. Ernie sees the open duffel bag and sees the vase that was stolen earlier. "Hey. That loser stole my mother's vase. Hold him down, I'll crack his skull." Ernie says angrily while lifting the mallet. Before anyone could get a hold of him, the burglar knocks Arnold, Ernie, and Gertrude down and makes a run for it. He runs out of the boarding house. Almost as if God was punishing him, he gets run over by a police car. Two officers run out and picks up the almost broken body of the burglar. "We got a report of a man in black clothing breaking into houses. You're under arrest punk." the first officer says. The two officers cuff and unmask the burglar. He is a hispanic male with black hair and brown eyes. He has a bleeding gash on his head from the nunchuck attack.

Back at the boarding house, Arnold and Ernie help Phil back to his feet. "You okay Grandpa?" Arnold asks.

"Okay? I had him handled." Phil replied arrogantly.

"Sure you did old timer." Ernie mused.

"No really. I was whoopin him."

"Really? Last I saw, your wife saved ya."

Arnold only facepalmed as the two argued for the next half an hour.

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 **And scene. I really love watching Hey Arnold. I might get into the fanfiction depending on the success of this one shot. Goodbye and goodnight!**


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